Communicating Collaboratively – Couples and the Masters of Relationships.
Today I would like to discuss the most common problem that couples face – Communication.
Couples come to me from all walks of life and present with a variety of concerns relating to their relationship.
I always listen intently as they share their story with me.
While there are numerous reasons why couples seek therapy, the way couples communicate to each other is key to the success, or demise of a relationship.
How partners talk to each other plays a vital role in determining the outcome of any given situation.
There are 3 modes of communication:
*Attack and Defend Mode
*Silent mode – Shutting down/avoidance
*Collaborative mode – respecting each other and talking in a way that promotes solutions and compromise.
Let’s take a look at each mode and I wonder which one/s you can relate to in your own world?
Meet Fiona and Jane.
Fiona and Jane originally come to therapy as Jane is worried about finances. Jane wants to save, but Fiona wants to live life carefree and to spend whenever she wants to.
Today, they have had a fight over a comment initiated by Fiona:
Attack Mode
A shiny Audi shoots past them as they are on a walk.
Fiona – “We’ve got to get a car like that”.
Fiona did not mean that they should get one, she knows they can’t afford it. She just likes to play with the idea, but Jane does not like such play, and she is also not sure that Fiona does not actually mean it. It scares Jane.
Jane – “Are you crazy? We can’t afford that”.
Fiona is hurt by Jane’s tone and replies with her own harsh tone:
Fiona “You have always got to paint doom and gloom about everything don’t you?”
Jane – “Well someone has to be the responsible adult around here…”
Fiona and Jane are instantly spiralling into the attack and defensive cycle of communication. I do not need to continue the conversation here as no doubt you can guess where this is going. Straight towards a full-blown argument.
Silent Mode:
In the same scenario let’s imagine that Jane does not respond the Fiona’s comment about the car. Instead, she shuts down. The comment scares her and her anxiety raises a level due to her concerns about money, but she keeps these feelings to herself.
She carries on as if nothing has happened.
After a little while, she asks in a flat monotone way:
Jane – So what are we doing on Sunday?
As Jane is not really into what she is saying, her words come out as bland and un-interested. Fiona picks up on the tone. Disheartened, she closes down also:
Fiona – Don’t know, probably nothing really.
In effect, they are turning each other into strangers at this moment:
Jane (monotone) – How was work today?
The lack of real interest in Jane’s bland questioning and tones leads Fiona to conclude that she is not really interested in her and loses heart in answering:
Fiona – “same, same”.
Discouraged by Fiona’s response, Jane starts to exit.
Jane – I think I am going to go and check on my work schedule for tomorrow.
Fiona – Whatever, I am going to go to bed.
Fiona and Jane are in a withdrawn cycle in which each partner’s flat tone, silences, avoidance of feelings, and talking around things passes back to each other.
Fiona will most likely stew over the event while she tries to sleep, while Jane feels disconnected to Fiona.
Most likely, this will spark and argument later on, potentially about something else, but these thoughts and feelings will serve as a trigger point.
Collaborative Mode:
For the very same conversation, couples that communicate in a Collaborative way would have the same conversation topic, but with a very different outcome:
Fiona – “We’ve got to get a car like that”.
Jane – “Yes that is a very nice car, I know how much you like that style. While I am currently really worried about our money situation, maybe one day we could be in a position to look at something like that”.
Fiona – “Yes, maybe one day, but don’t worry, I wont just rush out and buy one tomorrow”.
(Both laugh)
Jane – “Well its good to have dreams hey. I know we have different views about money, but as long as we talk about it, we can work things out”.
Fiona – “Agree and I know I am spontaneous sometimes, but I like to be that way, just some of the time. I know that it does worry you though”.
This conversation is heading in the right way, and both are speaking to each other in a more collaborative form. Understanding and respecting each other’s views.
This conversation is most likely to have the best outcome, but in the real world, can we always speak like this?
Perhaps it’s a mixture of all modes:
During the conversation, partners have negative feelings about the other person mixed with positive ones. There might be some “attack” moments along with temporary withdrawn modes, but couples can pull conversations back into a more collaborative way:
Fiona – “We’ve got to get a car like that”.
Jane – “Are you crazy, that’s out of our league” (Attack)
Fiona – “yes, well…” (preparing to Defend but interrupted)
Jane – “Someone needs to be responsible in this relationship” (Attack)
Fiona does not rise to the comment:
Fiona – “I am just dreaming, I know I can be spontaneous, but don’t worry, I would not rush out and buy something like that” (Collaborative)
Jane withdraws slightly and is quite for a moment, she wants to attack again or just say nothing but she pauses and replies in a more collaborative way:
Jane – “You know I do love your excitement to life, its one of the things that first attracted me to you. Its just, at the moment, I am really worried about our financial position” (Collaborative)
Fiona – “Thank you it’s so nice to hear that, I guess I just find it hard to be so sensible in life, but I understand that we do need to sort out our money issues” (Collaborative)
Jane – “We don’t have to be sensible all of the time, we need a little spontaneity, but we do need to reign it in when times are difficult” (Note how she uses “We instead of “You)
This conversation is heading in the right direction and while there are moments of negative comments, Fiona and Jane bring the conversation back into the right direction.
This form of conversation is less likely to escalate.
To learn more about how to become the “masters” of your relationships, reach out to Mark Colwill at Colwill Counselling for a dynamic approach to couple’s therapy.
